Jeff Dunham Achmed The Dead Terrorist Routine video

Jeff Dunham Achmed The Dead Terrorist is the best-known and the funniest terrorist in whole world, especially because he is a dead terrorist who doesn't belive that he is dead. "Silence, I kill you!" is Achmed the Dead Terrorist favorite line, addressed to the audience when the people start to laugh, being one of Jeff Dunham mostly used quotes.

Jeff Dunham Achmed The Dead Terrorist puppet is a skeletal corpse, described by himself as a "flesh wound" from his icompetence as a suicide bomber. Achmed The Dead Terrorist refers to his incompetence as "premature detonation", poking in the same time on Jeff Dunham's sexual life, in which the same thing happens as far as Achmed knows.

Achmed The Dead Terrorist first appeard in Jeff Dunham video Spark of Insanity and through him, the ventriloquist Jeff Dunham is able to bring up sensible and controversial topics, like terrorism or religious stuff, like the virgins promissed to the muslims after death.

In Jeff Dunham Christmas Special, Achmed The Dead Terrorist asked Jeff Dunham to go carol with him after the show and sang what would soon became a hit: Jingle Bombs, an terrorist adaptation of Jingle Bells, so don't miss any Jeff Dunham and Achmed clips.

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Pablo Francisco Preview Guy Routine video

Pablo Francisco's Preview Guy impression was the comedian's breakthrough and the act that helped him to play in the major league of stand up comedy.

We all know preview voice of the movies, the voice of Don Lafontaine, but listening to Pablo Francisco's impression, you can swear it's the voice from "In a world...".

The voice which can sell any movie, even Arnold Schwarzenegger as The Little Tortilla Boy was sold better by the magician of impressions and sound effects, Pablo Francisco.

Pablo Francisco used his talent and developed a different point of view on the voice of the Preview Guy in almost every stand up comedy videos, starting with Bits and Pieces.

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Chris Rock Social Security, Taxes and Insurance routine video

Chris Rockâ??s stand up comedy routine about Social Security, Taxes and Insurance is one of the most famous routines of the funny comedian.

Chris Rockâ??s stand up routine on Social Security, Taxes and Insurance was included on his Bigger and Blacker stand up comedy video, which premiered on July 10, 1999, being taped at the Appolo Theatre in Harlem.

Chris Rockâ??s stand up comedy DVD Bigger & Blacker was released one year later, on July 11, 2000 and is still one of his best comedy shows.

Talking about taxes and insurance, Chris Rock gives the audience a funny and interesting point of view about money payed for taxes...oh wait, like he says: â?? You don't even pay taxes. They take tax. You get your check, money gone.â??

You can watch FREE online Chris Rockâ??s stand up comedy routine about Social Security, Taxes and Insurance or you can watch the full video in our Stand Up Comedy Concerts.

Also, you will find the transcript of this funny routine culled from Chris Rockâ??s Bigger&Blacker video.

One thing Clinton did l didn't like,  raise taxes. Taxes all high and shit.

You know what's fucked-up about taxes? You don't even pay taxes. They take tax. You get your check, money gone. That ain't a payment, that's a jack.

Got all these taxes: city tax, state tax, Social Security tax. You don't get the money until you're. Meanwhile, the average black man dies at...Shit, we should get Social Security at! What the fuck, man? We don't live that long. Hypertension, high blood pressure, NYPD, something will get you.

What the fuck is up with the police? My God! l am scared. l didn't get rid of no guns. Fuck that shit. And l had a cop pull me over the other day,  scared me so bad...made me think l stole my own car. ''Get out the car, get out the fucking car! You stole this car!'' l'm like, ''Damn, maybe l did. ''Oh, Lord, l done stole a car.''

You know what's worse than taxes? What's worse than tax is insurance. You got to have some insurance. They shouldn't even call it insurance. They just should call it ''in case shit. l give a company some money in case shit happens. Now, if shit don't happen, shouldn't l get my money back? That's right, man, you better have some medical insurance, or you gonna die.

That's right, everybody. You got to eat right and exercise. No, you don't, you need some coverage. Coverage will save your life. That's right, we all gonna die, but at least if you got some coverage...you will die on a mattress. That's right. When l was a kid, we didn't have no insurance. We didn't have a damn thing.

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Chris Rock Rap Music Routine video

Chris Rock is absolutely a comic genius, always managing to find hilarity where you least expect it: this time, rap music. Chris Rock Rap Music routine is included on the Never Scared stand up comedy show and brought him a large amount of new fans.

Even though Chris Rock stated he loves rap music, he said that he has trouble defending it and the best example is that of Tupac or Lil' Jon and his Get Low lyrics. The Chris Rock video on rap music is very good, comedian's mimicry talent being as good as his stand up comedy talent.

Chris Rock quotes from this routine are unforgettable and his jokes are so well bound that you can take this routine as a mark for his incredible talent and success.

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Eddie Murphy Ice Cream Routine video

Eddie Murphy's Delirious was the comedian's first stand up comedy show, which helped him gain even more popularity than his work at SNL, due to routines like the Ice Cream Man. Eddie Murphy's Ice Cream routine is a classic, being incredible funny even after almost thirty years..

Even though a little politically incorrect, Eddie Murphy's Ice Cream routine was very well received by the audience, because any person who lived in the 70â??s and 80â??s could relate to â??I got some ice cream and you canâ??t have itâ?¦you canâ??t afford it cause you on welfareâ?¦â?.

Eddie Murphy's routine Ice Cream man is not for the easily offended, but if you can separate the politically incorrect part from the funny thing we've all lived, you should watch this.

"There's something about the icecream truck that makes kids lose it. And they can hear that shit from ten blocks away. They don't hear their mothers calling but they hear that motherfucking icecream truck."

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Chris Rock’s Gay People, Homophobia and Molesting Uncles video routine

Chris Rockâ??s stand up comedy routine about gay people, homophobia, Ricky Martin and molesting uncles is extracted from Chris Rockâ??s: Bigger & Blacker video.

Chris Rockâ??s stand up comedy routine about Gay People in the Military brings out more than some funny lines about gay people, going where many think, but less say it:

"lf they wanna fight, let them fight,'cause l ain't fighting. l wouldn't give a fuck if l saw a Russian tank rolling down Flatbush Avenue. l ain't shooting nobody. So call me a faggot. When the war is over, l'll be the faggot with two legs, thank you.�.

Chris Rockâ??s stand up talent has very much to do with him touching controversial topic from a different point of view than the others: talking about homophobia, the comedian knows that by  judging people usually you end up facing  what youâ??ve judged, much closer than you ever thought :

â?? lt don't make no sense to be a racist, sexist, or nothing, but.... lt don't. lt doesn't. lt don't make no sense...cause whoever you hate will end up in your family. That's right, you don't like gays, you're gonna have a gay son.â??

You can watch the routines below or you can watch Chris Rockâ??s stand up video Bigger&Blacker in our Stand Up Comedy Concerts section.

Before any of this happened, they was on Clinton.

What was they on him for?

Gays in the military.

Everybody says, "Don't let them in."lf they wanna fight, let them fight,'cause l ain't fighting.

l wouldn't give a fuck if l saw a Russian tank rolling down Flatbush Avenue.

l ain't shooting nobody. So call me a faggot. When the war is over, l'll be the faggot with two legs, thank you.

You know what's fucked up? Everybody gets so homophobic. People, we need to cut that shit out...'cause everybody in this room got at least a gay cousin. Every last one of you got a gay cousin. You knew he was gay when y'all was kids. You was playing ball, he was jumping rope. He didn't turn gay, he was gay then. He just didn't have nobody to be gay with. Shit, l got a gay uncle. Call him Aunt Tom. Every Christmas, he comes over with his ''friend.'' See, it don't make no sense to hate nobody.

lt don't make no sense to be a racist, sexist, or nothing, but.... lt don't. lt doesn't. lt don't make no sense...'cause whoever you hate will end up in your family. That's right, you don't like gays, you're gonna have a gay son.

You don't like Puerto Ricans? Your daughter's gonna come home with ''Livin' la vida loca!'' Don't you just love that shit? That's a catchy-ass song. You just want to jump up on shit. 'Livin' la vida loca! ''Come on!'' l feel that shit. l'll be driving, ''Livin' la vida loca!'' l love that shit.

That ain't going nowhere. That's gonna be out a long time. That shit is like the Puerto Rican! Whoomp! (There It Is)!

l was talking about my gay uncle.

See, your uncles prepare you for life.

lf you got enough uncles,they'll prepare you for life...'cause you got every type of uncle. You got your gay uncle, you got your alcoholic uncle. You got your stealing uncle. You got your molester uncle.

Everybody's got that one molester uncle.

Your mama's like, ''Where them kids at?''

-''They're with Johnny.''

-''Get them kids!

''Hurry up, get them kids!

Don't leave them with your Uncle Johnny!''

Later on, you get molested, your mama get mad at you.

''That's what you get. ''Hanging around fucking Johnny. l told you about that shit!

''Now walk it off!''

That's your family.

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Pablo Francisco Little Tortilla Boy Routine video

Pablo Francisco's Little Tortilla Boy is the act that drew millions and millions of fans to the comedian, the act that basicly made him famous.

Included on Pablo Francisco's Bits and Pieces! Live from Orange County DVD, which was released in 2004, the Little Tortilla Boy became soon one of the most viewed stand up comedy videos in the world.

Pablo Francisco's Little Tortilla Boy impression is a piece of art when it comes to mimicry and sound effects and if you've wondered 'Could the movie voice-over guy sell Arnold Schwarzenegger as the Little Tortilla Boy?', you will get your answer after watching this video.

If you want to watch Pablo Francisco's Little Tortilla Boy over and over again, bookmark this page or follow us on Twitter to be informed about any new videos of Pablo Francisco.

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Jeff Dunham and Walter on The Late Show with David Letterman

This Jeff Dunham video routine was filmed in 2006, during The Late Show with David Letterman.

Jeff Dunham and Walter were in invited on The Late Show with David Letterman to promote the comedianâ??s DVD Arguing with Myself.

David Letterman barely spoke because of Walter, who kept the audience focused on him, while poking fun at everyone : David Letterman, Paul from the band, Jeff Dunhamâ??s sexual performances and suicide bombers.

Walter is the star of this Jeff Dunham video and is amazing how it seems he is alive in the ventriloquistâ??s hands.

The topics were carefully chosen to excite and make you wanna watch the full video Arguing with Myself. So if they succeded, you can find Jeff Dunhamâ??s video Arguing with Myself in our Stand up Comedy Concerts section, where you can watch the FULL video free online.

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Chris Rock on Columbine kids video routine

Chris Rockâ??s stand up comedy Bigger & Blacker, taped in 1999 is one of the most comprehensive stand up comedy show, talking about the late 90s biggest issues, like: Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky, Gun Control, Gays in the Military, Doctors and Medcine, Taxes and Insurance and also the Columbine kids.

In this Chris Rock stand up comedy routine, the comedian takes a poke at the Columbine kids, having perhaps the most insightful line :

â??Everybody wants to know what the kids was listening to. What kind of music was they listening to? Or what kind of movies was they watching? Who gives a fuck what they was watching? Whatever happened to crazy? What happened to crazy? What, you can't be crazy no more? Did we eliminate ''crazy'' from the dictionary? Fuck the records. Fuck the movies. Crazy!â?.

This is one of the biggest talents of Chris Rock, to succeed in making you laugh even at the most horrifying topics.

You can watch below the Columbine kids routine and read the transcript, but you can also watch free online Chris Rockâ??s stand up Bigger & Blacker full, in out Stand Up Comedy Concerts section.

You know, l was just in my hotel, a little while ago, on my way here...and l got in the elevator, right? l'm getting in the elevator...and these two high-school white boystry to get on with me...and l just dove off. l said, ''Y'all ain't killing me!''l am scared of young white boys.

lf you white and under l am running for the hills. What the hell is wrong with these white kids shooting up the school? They don't even wait till  :   either. Killing people in the morning. That ain't right.

The Trenchcoat Mafia. ''No one will play with us.''We have no friends. We're the Trenchcoat Mafia.

''Hey, l saw the yearbook pictures. lt was six of them. l didn't have six friends in high school.l don't got six friends now. Shit, that's three-on-three with a half court. What the hell is wrong with these kids?

l got people telling me, ''Come on, Chris. Come up to a school. Talk to the kids.'' l'm like, ''Fuck the kids! ''Do you got a vest? Maybe l'll think about it.

''Everybody wants to know what the kids was listening to. What kind of music was they listening to? Or what kind of movies was they watching? Who gives a fuck what they was watching? Whatever happened to crazy? What happened to crazy? What, you can't be crazy no more? Did we eliminate ''crazy'' from the dictionary? Fuck the records. Fuck the movies. Crazy!

When l was a kid, they used to separate the crazy kids from everybody.  When l was a kid, the crazy kids went to school in a little-ass bus. They had a class at the end of the school...and they used to get out of school at  :Just in case they went crazy...they would only hurt other crazy kids. And we was all safe. We was all safe.

Damn, the world's coming to an end. You'll have little white kids saying: ''l want to go to a black school where it's safe.''

That's right, man.

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Jeff Dunham’s Walter running for President routine video!

This Jeff Dunham video is a special bonus included on the comedianâ??s stand up comedy DVD Spark of Insanity.

Jeff Dunhamâ??s video Spark of Insanity premiered on September 17, 2007, being filmed at the Warner Theater, Washington, DC.

Spark of Insanity is Jeff Dunhamâ??s second HBO special, after his 2006 Arguing with Myself that made him and his puppets, Walter, Peanut Doll, Jose Jalapeno on a Stick, famous.

Walterâ??s Political Announcemnet is as funny as his other routines, but is much more dynamic because people from the audience are asking him all kind of questions and he answers in his unique grumpy, sarcastic and agresive way.

From the start to the end of this Jeff Dunham video, Walter is being, as he used us, political incorrect while poking fan at native americans, black people, women and a lot more.

The video is hilarious and if you want to watch Jeff Dunhamâ??s Spark of Insanity full and free, you can find it in our Stand up Comedy Concerts section.

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Auto theft education classes

If you have you ever wondered how the pros can steal cars and go for joyrides so easily, it is because they had professional training! Now you too can live a life of glamour Grand Theft Auto to end school such as the image.

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Death penalty for shoplifting

Shoplifting is a major factor in rising prices, store here takes to heart by running thieves right then and there. Imagine if Wal-Mart has begun to do this!

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Public Butt wash prohibits

Beware the latest epidemic in public butt wash, it can permanently damage your eyes and your mind. It all started with a rumour of H1N1 transmitted by dirty rifle butts, and therefore act of washing of butts from 5 to 10 times per day has become a popular way for many time.

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Professional Viagra users

Do not think that taking Viagra is the same for all the world, there are apparently elite professional Viagra users that pupil to the max, just like how other athletes could use steroids.

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Better recipe than Angus beef Burgers

What can be better than the Angus beef burgers? Why, try our homegrown for our popular Steak Anus Burger recipe! Made of 100% real Anus with a delicious flavour you will never forget.

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FAIL the city planners

Some days, have you ever noticed red lights appear to be for eternity? And of course slow driver before you does not at all. Count yourself lucky even though if you have not met one endless red light like the picture!

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Wildlife FAIL

Here is an example why impressive our wildlife continues to be depleted in spite of government assurances that they are supported. Actually just like how some Governments promotes peace in the world with one hand and sells military weapons with each other.

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Guarantee for the purchase of furniture

If you ever thought on purchase IKEA furniture or this site, you should consider obtaining an extended warranty. It is one of those moments where you say "wow, I am surprised, is still standing!" "

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Obviously stupid signs

This sign must be the ultimate statement of the obvious. Not sure how much more useless this sign can be obtained.

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Chinese expect online crime

Here's the secret to incredible economic growth of China, the training of all Chinese citizens do not wait in lines. By stimulating a culture of the cutting line and pushing aggressively, it created a Chinese company leads market upward.

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Death by the bow and arrow

Here's the best way of shooting bow and arrow. When native was released on their annual ritual hunting and you laugh loudly at silly how they look and frighten the petiolate animal.

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Why some scents of beer as piss

I really don't know why certain foreign beer smells like piss, maybe that wasn't even of beer in the first place. And what happens to relativize Mariner in liquor… things like a large piece of pimento, ginseng, worms or perhaps a penis?

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Bottling FAIL

Not sure where heavy traffic will come, unless everyone here rides on donkeys or something. Beats sure to go on a road, but with a million other cars.

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Best Chinese stereotype never

People generally don't like surprises, and they like their stereotypes. Here's a Chinese Chinese stereotype 2 in 1, with a Buffet of China and a laundromat while at the same place! Nothing like snacking on some Dim Sum until your clothes to dry.

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Modernization of never never land

Because people have lost any hope for the economy, and children have become very cynical and jaded, magical as places never never land is close to closing. In a last ditch so that people believe in Peter Pan, he himself renamed Pita Pan, the Pita that never grows old.

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Worst tasting coffee brand

Here is a brand of coffee you absolutely want to avoid. Even if it sells like Gourmet Coffee, the only choice you get are heavy and tasteless. In fact, it is so bad, even cry once Steve Job.

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Fashion for children Fat

If you have a fat kid or two, you can bring to this clothing store completely politically incorrect. Not only are your children be mocked you enter in the store, but also additional that they will charge you for the necessary additional fabric too.

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Wedgies Assassin for hire

For all those who fail to obtain or make the wedgies, have no fear! There is now a company that offers to give wedgies for a low low prices. Do you have any target unsuspecting in mind? Include menu options: normal wedgie, gang wedgie, wedgie bouncing, side Wedgie, wedgie messy, Atomic (above the head) wedgie, in underwear wedgie tears, snow Wedgie, frontal wedgie shake Wedgie, public wedgie, Fork lift Wedgie, jock lock wedgie, Jet Ski Wedgie, hang wedgie, Superman Wedgie, shoulder wedgie, undies wedgie only, squeaky clean wedgie dragging wedgie and much more!

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Driving with eyes closed

Recently, there has been a series of incidents with people who drive with the eyes closed. The goal is to see how many seconds they can go before they crash into a ditch. Apparently all began with a truth or dare or something facebook application.

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Christian Version of Twitter

This must be the Christian version of Twitter! If your name is Chris and you go to this church, you should feel good enough, apparently all the church people are your followers!

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Stop jumping from my balcony

For anyone who is renting my condo from view pool, may please stop jump out of my balcony? Simply because it works in James Bond films, this does not mean that you'll survive a high diving the balcony… especially if you miss the small pool and hit the cement. Thank you - management.

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Look how Bad Ass temporarily

If you ever wanted to watch all the ass bad to somebody, impress without really dedicated to the evolution of your personality, discover this place. For only $7, you can rent tattoos for the evening. Not sure how it works, but maybe you can rent a removable tattoo for a week, then upgrade to a tattoo again next week.

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